I’m a music awards show junkie. I love the big spectacles, I love seeing the people get awards, I love theorizing over which artist will win versus who should win. I love music. I just learned though, that I hate the Video Music Awards. And the 2007 offering of those awards, was like a car crash… only not as interesting.

The theme for the evening was SUCKAGE. And Britney Spears started us off right. Her thunder thighs carried her hungover ass out on the stage, where she was not only missing a rumored Kriss Angel magic/illusion/gimmick, but also live vocals, choreography, energy, balance (seriously – bitch stumbled visibly 3 times). The song is decent, her great comeback, alternatively, was embarassing. After Brit cleared the stage to underwhelming applause, a lightning speed opening clip ran, & then out came the evening’s highlight. Sarah Silverman rocked a clever & hilarious opening monologue, that unfortunately went over the heads of 80% of those in attendance. It was fascinating to see her mocking 50 Cent & Paris Hilton with them right in front of her. The rumor I heard was that Brit was furious over the jokes at her expense, & that the jokes were planned to follow a tremendous opening performance. Except that performance never happened. So the jokes seemed to have more bite then they were supposed to. Allegedly. Either way, MTV keeps getting Sarah Silverman booked for all their gigs, something I don’t understand. Sarah is brutal, ironic, & hysterical, however, I firmly disbelieve that your average viewer of ‘The Hills’ or ‘My Super Sweet Cherry 16′ would really even “get” any of her jokes. And judging by her reception, neither do most celebrities.

What followed for 2 more hours was a barrage of commercials for heinous looking MTV shows, terribly abbreviated music performances, a confusing jumble of performances all over the Palms Hotel, the briefest acceptance speeches ever, some ugly ass dresses, & an audience of 2 in my living room getting more distracted as time went by. I think I’ve outgrown most MTV shows by about 5 years, & with every commercial my basic reaction was ‘who watchs this shit’ & ‘why!?’

And then MTV rolled out a laundry list of musical performers that fluctuated up until the actual event. ‘How could they possibly fit all these performances into one 2 hour show?’ was the question on my tongue. The answer to that question really makes me throw up in my mouth. ‘How about we not show the full performances?’ was the idea some jackoff at MTV had, & roll with it they did. One artist performed a song in full – Britney. Alicia Keys, Timbaland, & Chris Brown all performed on the main stage, but they all did medleys, no full songs (though Chris’ dance moves were impressive; his Michael Jackson homage was nice, but nothing groundbreaking, especially since he did the same thing for James Brown on the Grammy’s earlier this year.) The glut of other performers were in a few other places – Kanye West’s party suite, Timbaland’s suite, Fallout Boy’s suite, LAX niteclub, Foo Fighter’s suite, or the mini stage in front of Mark Ronson’s setup. The people hosting these suites performed in their suites, plus guests like Rihanna, Cee-Lo, 50 Cent, Common, Gym Class Heroes, T.I., Linkin Park, Daniel Merriweather, & Adam Levine of Maroon 5, plus about 4-6 other people that I would be hard pressed to name in a line-up. All we got to see of these performers, however, was a minute or less cutaway during set changes & commerical breaks. This year, if you want to see full performances, you needed to go on-line.

FUCK THAT!!!

When I watch an award show I want the full performance. If it’s someone I like I want to be impressed, if it’s someone I don’t then I get to pee or smoke. Plus, only a handful of people turned in decent performances. Alicia Keys sounded like she was pushing her voice (I think because her clothes were too tight), the guy from Fall Out Boy’s voice was shot, Rihanna can’t sing live (but at least she tried – I’m talking to you Chris & Brit), and most of the other ones happened so fast I couldn’t make a jusdgement either way. Well except for 50 Cent. I just plain don’t like him.

Oh & then the awards. Collaboration of the Year – Beyonce & Shakira. Really? A song that radio wouldn’t touch, & that I still have yet to see the video for. Female of the Year – Fergie Methface? (Who didn’t even show-up!) Video of the Year – Umbrella (excellent song… ok video)? I dunno who decides this shit, but at least Carrie Under(pants)wood didn’t win best new artist!

To close the fucker off, Timbaland & his best friends (Timberlake, Furtado, Keri Hilson, DOE & Sebastian) gave us an almost awesome finale. Everyone looked great & sounded good (in spite of all my venom over this show… the lighting for the finale really did kick ass). I understand the abbreviation of the songs, it is a medley after all. My problem – how do you have Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake, & Timbaland all on one stage, with the beat to ‘Give It To Me’ blasting, and have them no perform the whole fucking song!? Goddammit!!!

Insult to fucking injury.

Needless to say. I was tremendously disappointed in this years VMA’s. And I think we’re gonna break up. It’s not me… it’s them. They suck, and my tastes have mved on. Sure the Grammy’s are a bit long. But at least they’re planned out and done up right.

Fuck you MTV. You wasted 2.5 hours of my life. And the couple million other people who watched too. You really need the Old Yeller treatment!

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